Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Is anyone out there?

I’m not sure who out there reads this since sadly I have no followers but today I started thinking and wondering what I want to get out of writing a blog.  For me it’s a place to write down my thoughts, feelings, and just things passing through my mind.  I’m going through a very rough time in my life right now and I think this will be therapeutic for me and may actually help someone else in a similar situation if they happen to come across my posts.  I have kept some very sad and life changing news to myself but I will be posting about it shortly.  In fact, I wrote the words back on Aug 1st but I was too raw to share it with the world.  I’m not 100% sure if I’m ready now, but I think it’s time.   So I will put my big girl panties on open up about what's really going on in my life.  Well, maybe not yet this minute. 

Friday, August 24, 2012

Time Flies

My son started 8th grade last week.  Do you know what that means?  He’ll be in high school next year.  HIGH SCHOOL!!!  My sweet little boy is definitely becoming an unruly teenager who has been doing very teenager like things of late.  I know all of us go through what seem like rites of passage and we all end up okay in the end.  What I need to understand is how to parent during these trying times.  Being kind and understanding doesn’t seem to work.  Screaming and threatening only gets a laugh in response.  How do I navigate the waters for the next 5 years while he grows into a man?  I’ve talked this over with many friends who have been there, done that and the only advice they all have in common….tell him you love him as much as you can and try to sneak in a hug and kiss when he’ll let you.  Every time I see him I want to take him in my arms, hold him, pepper him with kisses, tell him I love him and that everything will be okay.  But I don’t because his rejection hurts so bad.  So I’ll keep on truckin and try to find the right balance for the both of us. 


 
How is time moving this fast and why I can’t I stop the clock so I can hold on to this moment a little longer?  My kids are growing up so fast and I feel like if I blink, I’m going to miss something monumental.  I want them to stay little a little while longer.  Would someone please grant me that wish?

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Time Consuming

I bought a couple online deals months ago for a picture book so I could make one of CC’s first year.  I have been putting it off, putting it off, and now the damn thing expires at the end of the month.  So for the last 3 days I have spent a total of 14 hours working non-stop on this book and guess what?  I’m just approaching Christmas!!  April still seems so far away.  On the flip side, I am getting more comfortable with each hour and my pages are getting cuter and more creative as I go.  I really never thought I’d have this much fun and I only wish I wasn’t in such a rush.  My hope is that I’ll LOVE the book when I receive it and then I’ll start working on next year’s (or is this year’s) book occasion by occasion rather than all at once under a deadline.  Carpel tunnel stay away!!! 

Friday, August 17, 2012

My Poor Baby Girl

CC has had a rough few days this week.  It started out with mean mommy leaving her to cry it out Monday night when she awoke rather than cuddling and rocking her back to sleep numerous times.  Then Tuesday she was sent home from daycare with a fever - 104…100…103….99…102…103…98…102 you get the picture of what our 2 ½ days were like.  CC is the cuddliest baby when she’s not feeling like her happy jolly self so as much as I felt bad for her, I also LOVED the fact that we got to spend a couple of days cuddled on the couch together.  She gave me tons of kisses and just let me hold her.  When her burst of energy would come barreling through, that mischievous grin was back and all hell would break loose.  But then she’d crash and climb back onto my lap for more snuggle time.  I hope she’ll always let me hold her like this!  This morning everything was back to normal so here’s hoping to a weekend of fun!

Edited to add update:

I got the dreaded phone call this afternoon that Caramia's fever was back.  So off to the doctor so my baby can pee in a bag, yes you read that correctly.  I have to nurse her and sit with her until she pees.  Then off to the hospital we go for the urine test because they think she has a urinary tract infect, which she does.  So ten days of meds and another afternoon of peeing is on our horizon.  Lucky us!

Monday, August 13, 2012

Boot Camp - Heaven or Hell

I started a boot camp class today and will be going for the next 30 days if my body can stand it.  I’m really trying to shock by body since I’ve been treating it so bad for the past year.  I’m a very active person but I haven’t been “working out” regularly.  I blame my constant state of exhaustion brought on by my mini-me.  I truly believe if I was getting more than 4 hours of sleep, I would be motivated to go to the gym.  So of course on the eve of my first 4:10am wake up call, C decides to get back on me for blaming her and stays up ALL night.  I slept for a measly 30 mins before my alarm.  Ask me at five how I’m feeling!  Alright, alright, enough complaining!! 

So the class starts and I’m breathless within 5 mins and the instructor comes over and tells me that people have been known to throw up and pass out so I need to be aware of my body and if I need a break.  Need a break?  I think it’s time to call it a day!  Did I really sign up for this extreme punishment?  45 mins (and lots of breaks later), I was walking out the door figuratively patting myself on my back since I can’t raise my arm up that high right now.  Next up, running during my lunch hour.  Hey, they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  I’m hoping for the latter! 

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Love

How could someone you love and have loved for so many years turn on you?  How could you not know that they had this part of them?  This part that could be ruthless, gut wrenching, heartless, and just plain mean.  How could they claim to still love you yet they say the most hurtful things?  How could they say they love you but then steal from you?  I have all these questions running through my mind and I’m just wounded.  I have never felt this hurt in my entire life.  Will it get better?  I know it will but how long is it going to take and will I be even a silver of who I am right now?  Is this going to change me?  Yes.  Is this going to ruin me?  I honestly can’t say no.  I feel beaten up and defeated and all I want to do is get into the fetal position and cry.  Cry until I can’t cry any more and then just stare at the ceiling until my mind stops racing and my heart stops aching.  You may think I’m being dramatic and I would definitely think someone was if I were the one reading this.  But I’m not reading it, I’m writing it and I have never felt this pain and disappointment before.