New Adventures

While I dream of spring like weather and long runs outside, I can’t help but smile at the healing that is taking place within my life.  It’s only been a week since we left our old life behind and we are doing better than expected amidst the challenges.  CC loves her new, albeit small home.  Our mornings aren’t as smooth because it’s impossible to restrict her from the bathroom while I’m in the shower and our evenings are more dramatic since there’s no great room and I’m usually cooking when she’d prefer me in another room with her.  Her sleep had been better than expected but now we’ve regressed and started our last three days at little after midnight.   But I’m not complaining (yet) because it feels good to be starting over.  I’m actually starting to think that all those moves I’ve made in my life are because I needed to hit that reset button.   And I never needed that more than now!!

We had a wonderful first weekend in our new town eating breakfast with the Easter Bunny and filling our basket up with eggs, followed up with a long walk on a beautiful day and a tea party in our backyard.  Monday morning began with a trip to Mommy’s work for a meeting and then a brand new school for CC.  I had always been surprised that I didn’t cry the first time I dropped CC off at daycare when she was 12 weeks old.  Well I definitely made up for that this week.  Monday morning was not easy as I watched the confusion cross over her face with her eyes big as saucers and her plump bottom lip trembling.  My heart didn’t stop aching until the daycare called to tell me she was playing and having a great time.  Thank goodness kids are resilient because if she would have shown a single fight, I would have probably caved and figured out a way to take her back to her old school.  Don’t judge me, I’m a push over when it comes to my baby girl.  J  The best part of CC’s new school is that it’s close to my work so I get to enjoy her company during my commute.  We sing songs, talk about what’s outside, and blow lots of kisses to each other.  It's an awesome addition to our day!!

My biggest hope is to teach CC the life lessons I’ve learned so that she can look back on her life, just as I have, and be grateful and proud, like I am everyday!

 

Simple Things

 Since becoming a mother, I tend to be more appreciative of the simple things in life.   Like a morning when everything goes smoothly with only one meltdown and when I get to work I don’t look like I’ve already been through World War III.  An evening where we have time to squeeze in a walk before our normal nighttime routine and bedtime is full of kisses rather than screams.  I still ask myself daily, do I have enough money for groceries?  When am I going to get the laundry done?  Am I ever going to get a good night sleep again?  But the difference is I don’t stress about it anymore.  Well maybe sometimes but not all the time…which is a huge improvement to me! 

When CC throws a tantrum at the dinner table, I move her plate away and let her.  After she’s calmed down, I open my arms to her while she climbs onto my lap and snuggles into me.  Times when I notice that I’m short with her, I make a point to sit on the floor and look in her eyes when I tell her I’m sorry and that mama’s having a bad day and didn’t mean to take it out on her.  I tell her what I’m feeling because I want her to understand her feelings and know that feelings are never wrong.  If she wakes up at four in the morning and asks me to read her a book instead of cuddling in bed, I do because there’s going to be a time when she won’t want me to read to her anymore. 

I often wonder if I could have been this type of mother with CC if I were still married.  Well technically I’m still married but you know what I mean.  J  During my marriage, everything fell on my shoulders whether I wanted it to or not.  I felt like I had to do all and be all to everyone thus I wasn’t able to just be.  I didn’t watch tv for years because when I would sit for a minute, I would remember a thousand other things I could be doing and I’d get up and do them.  Now when I feel done for the night, I let myself be done.  I make a cup of coffee, grab a blanket, and cuddle on the couch with a book or a favorite show.  The best part is…I no longer feel the guilt that I once did.  CC will always have enough clean clothes.  There will always be something in the pantry to cook.  Sometimes the best nights are when I’m not sleeping at all but instead I’m holding my baby girl in my arms while she sleeps.  Someday she’ll be too big to rock to sleep and I’ll be thankful that all those sleepless nights are etched in my mind forever. 

Happy Birthday

Today my son is 14 years old.  It’s been over 100 days since I’ve seen him and some days I think I’ll never see him again but there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him.  I walk past his pictures in the house and I smile at his beautiful face and contagious smile.  Sometimes I even give them a kiss because I long to hold him in my arms and tell him how much I love him. 

I fell in love with him the first moment I met him and my love deepened along with our bond.   The first time I met JC, my ex picked him up from daycare and we had separate cars so I followed them to the grocery store to get stuff for dinner.  JC said hi and ran straight to the bouncy ball display in the center of the store.  I followed him and we ended up running and chasing each other through the store.  When we left, he asked if he could ride with me so we could race dad home.  We playfully raced but we didn’t win because I had no idea where I was going!  Once at their place, my ex started dinner while JC and I went to the park to play basketball.  He beat me but barely and I had never had so much fun.  I spent that first summer cheering him on at all his baseball games, joining them on their family vacation (JC asked his grandparents if I could come), and soon we were a family. 

The most special moments of my day, were those of bedtime.  The hours we spent laying in bed, talking about our days, telling him stories from my life, and sitting in comfortable silence were some of the best hours I’ve ever had.  He would pick the topics, ask questions, we’d laugh, tickle, and most nights I’d end up asleep next to him. 

I have thousands of wonderful memories with JC and I hope some day that we can add a thousand more.  For now, I will continue to send my thoughts, encouragement, and love telepathically and hope that he feels it.  In my heart and my mind, he will always be my first child and I will love him always. 

Happy birthday to my sweet boy!