Monday, January 21, 2013
I try so hard not to be angry at life. I remind myself of the positives daily and tell myself over and over again how lucky I am. Some days though, it all hits me and I fall apart. This weekend was very emotional for me. I’m not sure if it was the lack of sleep (thanks CC), the fact that I signed a contract to sell my beautiful home, or that I just needed to breakdown. I cried off and on all weekend for no apparent reason. Well, there is a reason…there are lots of reasons. This divorce is really testing me and my limits. My ex is manipulating my mind and my heart. I’m questioning all I’ve ever felt…the good, the bad, and the ugly. I feel so strong and then I crumble to the floor. All it takes is one email or text and I’m paralyzed with anger and fear. Anger at what’s become of the family I worked so hard for. Anger at who I’ve learned he really is. Anger at my shattered dream. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what do CC and I do now…where do we go…how to we put the pieces of our lives back together again. Being in this house give us some comfort. How’s it going to be when we’re in an apartment smaller than our basement? When CC can’t run/ride her bike/push her shopping cart through each room of the house in a complete circle? Her favorite game is for me to chase her while our dog, Di, chases me around and around the house. Will we still be able to do that?
This past weekend it was so cold outside that CC decided to take Di on a walk with his leash through the house. It was probably the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. He looked at me like, “Mom, do I really have to do this?” And I told him, “Yes, it makes your sister happy. You’re her best friend and she needs this.” 20 minutes later they were still going strong but I’m not sure who was walking who! JAnd there it is…the little things that make life worthwhile and remind us to keep putting one foot in front of the other.