Happy Birthday Sweet Girl!

**written on April 20th, pictures added on April 21st**

Dear CC,

Today is your second birthday.  You’re two and you are so good about reminding me of that fact.  You have become quite independent but luckily you ask for help when you need it.    You have a fierce stubborn side to you these days but I especially love how you smile and say hi after you know I’m not happy with what you’ve done.  Your new favorite thing is for me to sing.  Mama has a horrible voice but you don’t seem to mind just yet.  I’m sure when you’re older you’ll be begging me not to sing along to the radio.  One night last week at 2am during one of our late night conversations you asked me to sing Happy Birthday to you.  I have no idea how you knew the song but since then it’s a daily request.  You sing and dance along while clapping your hands and then you blow out the candles at the end.  I hope that tonight you enjoy getting to do it for reals!  J  You’re definitely more toddler than baby these days but for those few precious minutes at the start and end of each day.  I love when you curl into me for our cuddle time…there is nothing better in the world and I hope it lasts for many years to come!

You have this delightful sweetness about you that melts everyone’s hearts.  This week a friend was over at the house and at one point you grabbed her face in both your hands, looked into her eyes, and then pulled her towards you so you could kiss her.  She cried, I cried, and you just smiled at us both like we were lunatics.  You’re not all sugar though, there is definitely some spice.  The terrible twos are making their presence known.  You’ve started to throw tantrums but luckily you get out of them as quickly as they start.  For instance this morning when it was time to leave for the day, you ran away from me to hide while screaming, “no jacket, no jacket, NO JACKET!!!”  After I wrestled you into the said jacket, you looked down at it and said, “hi mama, pretty jacket.” Then you were off again but this time with a smile. 

Every day I’m amazed at all the words you know and how you put them into mini sentences.  You love to tell me what to do, especially when it’s “mama stay here” or “mama, you night night.”  Luckily you’re not just bossy with me.  You are constantly yelling at our dogs, Gabby and Di, to sit, come here, or my favorite, go poo poo, or most recently, “gabby, stop barking!”  I especially love when you get frustrated and yell their full names.  J

We’re living with Gamma right now and you couldn’t be happier.  Every morning you can’t wait to go into her room and wake her up.  You love to stand on a stool next to her while she does her makeup and you ask what everything is.  I’m sure you’ll learn your colors based on grandma’s eye shadows.  When Gamma leaves for work you wave goodbye at front window and blow her kisses.  You are truly Grandma’s girl and I love it because I remember those special moments with my grandmother.  The bond you have is very special and it’s one that you will forever treasure. 

As I write this on the eve of your birthday, I’m thinking of all the things I want to tell you but I think I’m going to sum it up.  You are the most beautiful, sweet, kind, gentle, loud, fun loving, shy, crazy little girl!  I love you more today than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow! 

Love, Mama

New Adventures

While I dream of spring like weather and long runs outside, I can’t help but smile at the healing that is taking place within my life.  It’s only been a week since we left our old life behind and we are doing better than expected amidst the challenges.  CC loves her new, albeit small home.  Our mornings aren’t as smooth because it’s impossible to restrict her from the bathroom while I’m in the shower and our evenings are more dramatic since there’s no great room and I’m usually cooking when she’d prefer me in another room with her.  Her sleep had been better than expected but now we’ve regressed and started our last three days at little after midnight.   But I’m not complaining (yet) because it feels good to be starting over.  I’m actually starting to think that all those moves I’ve made in my life are because I needed to hit that reset button.   And I never needed that more than now!!

We had a wonderful first weekend in our new town eating breakfast with the Easter Bunny and filling our basket up with eggs, followed up with a long walk on a beautiful day and a tea party in our backyard.  Monday morning began with a trip to Mommy’s work for a meeting and then a brand new school for CC.  I had always been surprised that I didn’t cry the first time I dropped CC off at daycare when she was 12 weeks old.  Well I definitely made up for that this week.  Monday morning was not easy as I watched the confusion cross over her face with her eyes big as saucers and her plump bottom lip trembling.  My heart didn’t stop aching until the daycare called to tell me she was playing and having a great time.  Thank goodness kids are resilient because if she would have shown a single fight, I would have probably caved and figured out a way to take her back to her old school.  Don’t judge me, I’m a push over when it comes to my baby girl.  J  The best part of CC’s new school is that it’s close to my work so I get to enjoy her company during my commute.  We sing songs, talk about what’s outside, and blow lots of kisses to each other.  It's an awesome addition to our day!!

My biggest hope is to teach CC the life lessons I’ve learned so that she can look back on her life, just as I have, and be grateful and proud, like I am everyday!

 

Simple Things

 Since becoming a mother, I tend to be more appreciative of the simple things in life.   Like a morning when everything goes smoothly with only one meltdown and when I get to work I don’t look like I’ve already been through World War III.  An evening where we have time to squeeze in a walk before our normal nighttime routine and bedtime is full of kisses rather than screams.  I still ask myself daily, do I have enough money for groceries?  When am I going to get the laundry done?  Am I ever going to get a good night sleep again?  But the difference is I don’t stress about it anymore.  Well maybe sometimes but not all the time…which is a huge improvement to me! 

When CC throws a tantrum at the dinner table, I move her plate away and let her.  After she’s calmed down, I open my arms to her while she climbs onto my lap and snuggles into me.  Times when I notice that I’m short with her, I make a point to sit on the floor and look in her eyes when I tell her I’m sorry and that mama’s having a bad day and didn’t mean to take it out on her.  I tell her what I’m feeling because I want her to understand her feelings and know that feelings are never wrong.  If she wakes up at four in the morning and asks me to read her a book instead of cuddling in bed, I do because there’s going to be a time when she won’t want me to read to her anymore. 

I often wonder if I could have been this type of mother with CC if I were still married.  Well technically I’m still married but you know what I mean.  J  During my marriage, everything fell on my shoulders whether I wanted it to or not.  I felt like I had to do all and be all to everyone thus I wasn’t able to just be.  I didn’t watch tv for years because when I would sit for a minute, I would remember a thousand other things I could be doing and I’d get up and do them.  Now when I feel done for the night, I let myself be done.  I make a cup of coffee, grab a blanket, and cuddle on the couch with a book or a favorite show.  The best part is…I no longer feel the guilt that I once did.  CC will always have enough clean clothes.  There will always be something in the pantry to cook.  Sometimes the best nights are when I’m not sleeping at all but instead I’m holding my baby girl in my arms while she sleeps.  Someday she’ll be too big to rock to sleep and I’ll be thankful that all those sleepless nights are etched in my mind forever. 

Happy Birthday

Today my son is 14 years old.  It’s been over 100 days since I’ve seen him and some days I think I’ll never see him again but there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him.  I walk past his pictures in the house and I smile at his beautiful face and contagious smile.  Sometimes I even give them a kiss because I long to hold him in my arms and tell him how much I love him. 

I fell in love with him the first moment I met him and my love deepened along with our bond.   The first time I met JC, my ex picked him up from daycare and we had separate cars so I followed them to the grocery store to get stuff for dinner.  JC said hi and ran straight to the bouncy ball display in the center of the store.  I followed him and we ended up running and chasing each other through the store.  When we left, he asked if he could ride with me so we could race dad home.  We playfully raced but we didn’t win because I had no idea where I was going!  Once at their place, my ex started dinner while JC and I went to the park to play basketball.  He beat me but barely and I had never had so much fun.  I spent that first summer cheering him on at all his baseball games, joining them on their family vacation (JC asked his grandparents if I could come), and soon we were a family. 

The most special moments of my day, were those of bedtime.  The hours we spent laying in bed, talking about our days, telling him stories from my life, and sitting in comfortable silence were some of the best hours I’ve ever had.  He would pick the topics, ask questions, we’d laugh, tickle, and most nights I’d end up asleep next to him. 

I have thousands of wonderful memories with JC and I hope some day that we can add a thousand more.  For now, I will continue to send my thoughts, encouragement, and love telepathically and hope that he feels it.  In my heart and my mind, he will always be my first child and I will love him always. 

Happy birthday to my sweet boy! 

A Move in the Right Direction

Packing pulls at my heartstrings but it’s also a time to reminisce and dream.  While I wrapped my colorful vases, books, and knickknacks in newspaper and taped the boxes shut, I thought back to where I’ve been.   I’ve already lived in 18 homes…some near, some far, and some repeats but they were all filled with love and provided for an interesting backdrop to my life story.  I have a love hate relationship with moving.  In many ways, I’m grateful for the change in scenery and the experiences I’ve had because of those moves.  Growing up I had friends everywhere, and I was lucky enough that my mom let me visit them on weekends and breaks.  I had a worldly view of life at a young age and that’s stuck with me as I’ve gotten older even though I haven’t had much opportunity to see the world.  The opposite side of the coin is that I’d been happy where I was when it was time to go and filled with sadness at leaving what I thought I’d finally found. 

My upcoming change of scenery is going to be the hardest yet most fulfilling one thus far.  I’m leaving an area I love and that was filled with so much hope.  I’ve spent years making friends, learning the back roads, and taking advantage of all the wonderful experiences to be had.  Caramia and I have spent countless days walking the trails of the arboretum and perusing the little shops in the beautiful downtown area.  We’ve fed the ducks along the Riverwalk and had picnics at Cantigny too many times to count.  I spent most of my pregnancy and maternity leave walking the trails surrounding my house while talking to my sweet baby girl about life.  So much of who I am today has been influenced by my surroundings and in a few weeks, it might be too hard to ever return.  I’ll be busy making a new life for us in a new town where we’ll be encircled by the people who love us the most.  Our daily routine will still be the same…wake, breakfast, daycare, work, daycare, home, walk, play, dinner, bath, bedtime but nothing will be as it once was. 

This next phase will bring me peace, love, and happiness.  Sounds like a Christmas card greeting but its true.  It’s time to close the door on what wasn’t good in my life and focus on the best pieces of my life…my beautiful daughter, my wonderful family, myself, and an exciting future that I can’t wait to discover.  There is always room to grow and when we stop growing, we stop living.  I look forward to growing out of the weeds and blossoming in the spring sunshine.  Okay that was totally corny but a little corny in life is good! 

CC is having mixed emotions about moving too! 

Feeling Good

I think the fat lady sang and hell froze over because today, I’m feeling good!  This morning as I rushed to get in the shower before CC woke up, I felt as light as air and fully awake.  Two things I rarely feel as I pull myself out of bed or any other time of the day for that matter.  I’m standing a little taller, wearing a cute new outfit, and…wait for it….put on lipstick (GASP)!  CC and I were out of the house on time for once and I made it to work only 10 mins late, which is a record these days.  I’m hoping these positive vibes running through me are here to stay or at the very least, close enough that I can get a jolt when I need it. 

Here's a couple cute pictures of CC helping her mama...what a girl!! 

Keep Breathing

I try so hard not to be angry at life.  I remind myself of the positives daily and tell myself over and over again how lucky I am.  Some days though, it all hits me and I fall apart.  This weekend was very emotional for me.  I’m not sure if it was the lack of sleep (thanks CC), the fact that I signed a contract to sell my beautiful home, or that I just needed to breakdown.  I cried off and on all weekend for no apparent reason.  Well, there is a reason…there are lots of reasons.  This divorce is really testing me and my limits.  My ex is manipulating my mind and my heart.  I’m questioning all I’ve ever felt…the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I feel so strong and then I crumble to the floor.  All it takes is one email or text and I’m paralyzed with anger and fear.  Anger at what’s become of the family I worked so hard for.  Anger at who I’ve learned he really is.  Anger at my shattered dream.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of what do CC and I do now…where do we go…how to we put the pieces of our lives back together again.  Being in this house give us some comfort.  How’s it going to be when we’re in an apartment smaller than our basement?  When CC can’t run/ride her bike/push her shopping cart through each room of the house in a complete circle?  Her favorite game is for me to chase her while our dog, Di, chases me around and around the house.  Will we still be able to do that? 

This past weekend it was so cold outside that CC decided to take Di on a walk with his leash through the house.  It was probably the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.  He looked at me like, “Mom, do I really have to do this?”  And I told him, “Yes, it makes your sister happy.  You’re her best friend and she needs this.”  20 minutes later they were still going strong but I’m not sure who was walking who!  J 

 

And there it is…the little things that make life worthwhile and remind us to keep putting one foot in front of the other.