O December

 It’s that non-stop time of year again otherwise known as the holiday season.  We’ve been busy cleaning, decorating, wrapping, baking, and cleaning some more.  Our decorations are toddler friendly with a tree covered in felt ornaments, plastic holiday balls, cardboard gift card boxes, bells, stockings, and Santa’s hat to top it off!  We’ve also lined the hearth with wacky Christmas stuffed animals, many of who play music!  CC’s new favorite pastime is to press all of their on buttons at once so we have a chorus playing in our family room while she dances around! 

Unfortunately this year we won’t be doing as much socializing as years before but we’re definitely keeping busy and having fun!  We took our first trip to Winter Wonderland and loved it!  CC wasn’t ready to test her footing on the rides but she did persuade me to go down the gigantic inflatable slide with her.  Thankfully, my hearing has been fully restored but I may need an extra trip to the chiropractor! 

This past weekend was our first Breakfast w/ Santa of the season.  CC was having fun exploring and laughing with the other kids while we patiently waited our turn to sit on Santa’s lap.  She hugged Mrs. Claus and bounded right up to the Christmas tree only to stop like a reindeer in headlights when she saw the big man in red.  She clung to me, like only a toddler can do, so you can imagine the not so flattering pictures of me trying to console her.  At last I was able to pry her fingers from my sweater and slip away just in time to see her calmly look Santa in the eye.  I breathed a sigh of relief at the stillness of the moment and snapped my fingers to get her attention for the camera….

Next up a week of gingerbread houses, baking, holiday show, zoo lights, and of course another attempt at a picture with Santa!   

My Little CC

I haven’t written in a while.  My recent days have been spent trying to put one foot in front of the other without falling into a black hole.  Every now and then I get a glimpse of the happy, carefree woman I used to be but then she fades away and I feel exhausted once again.  I’m doing better today than I was yesterday and I hope to be even better tomorrow.  My main source of happiness is my CC.  She is my mini-me and keeps me on my toes.  She’s talking a mile a minute and every day is filled with so many new words.  I’m still amazed that she can understand what I’m telling her and lately her several-words-strung-together show me that she’s already talking back! 

When I pick her up at daycare, she runs to me while calling, “mama, mama!”  She honestly can’t get to me fast enough and some days she’s in tears because it took me an extra second to open the door.  She hugs me so tight and clings to me with all her might.  What she doesn’t know is that I need that from her as much as she needs it from me.  Our evenings are a whirlwind of dinner, play, bath, and bedtime but there’s always time for talking and cuddling.  I honestly can’t remember what my life was like before her.  Yes, I remember the uninterrupted sleep.  I remember sleeping past 4am.  I remember having time to get to the gym.  I remember my clothes not having food all over them.  I remember my hair looking nice.  Okay, I guess I do remember but I wouldn’t change a thing! 

Thank you baby girl for adding so much sweetness to my life!! 

Fall is in the air!

We have gone from hot, humid, sweaty days to cold, chill inducing evenings so quickly this year that I have whiplash.  I’m not complaining though because I’ve been asking for it.  However last night while I was running, I realized I should have taken my son’s advice and borrowed his long sleeve under armour!  I love this time of year though.  All the yummy veggies, warm drinks, cuddling under blankets, watching the leaves change colors, the colorful sunsets, and the harvest moon.  I think if I could have one season all year long, it would be fall.  Warm 75 degree days and cool 55 degree evenings…bonfires, football games, sweatshirts, and sitting under the starry sky! 

Daily Lesson – SMILE!!

Sometimes I forget to do this.  I sit here at work, deep in thought, and I notice I’m not really smiling or frowning, just being.  And that’s no way to be.  By simply making a habit out of smiling, I remember funny moments or recall something good and boom, I feel better.  Well not just better, but happy. 

Daily Lesson - Eat Your Veggies!

We’ve all been told this since the day we could eat solids as a baby and yet still we don’t listen to our mothers.  Not only are they nutritious but eating more veggies will make you feel better.  They’re a natural mood enhancer.  So have a salad for lunch or add a little veggie puree into that casserole dish.  No one will know what hit them but everyone will be happier!

What a difference a month makes!

I did it!  I survived 30 days of boot camp classes and I’m going back for more!  I have officially signed up for 3x a week going forward.  I can’t say that I love it but I love the way I feel when I’m done.  I can feel myself getting stronger both physically and mentally with every workout and I’ve never needed it more. 

Before I started the boot camp I had started a running program.  So for many of the past 30 days, I took my class before dawn and then ran at lunch.  I’m proud to say that I’ve also finished the running program as well and am back to running 4 miles with ease.  I guess it’s time to start picking up the pace from 4.0!  Okay, I don’t run THAT slow!  I looked at my calendar and I’ve done 31 workouts in the last 30 days!  Woo-hoo!!  For the first time in a long time I’m doing something for myself every day and damn it feels good!

She did it!!

So I realize that I have complained, bitched, and moaned a lot about my daughter torturing me with her lack of sleep in the midnight hours so I figured it’s about time I tell you that she has slept through the night for the past 7 days in a row!  Yes, 7 days!!  That’s a whole week!!  Unfortunately I have been sick for the past 11 days so my sleep isn’t as peaceful as it should be but I can’t blame her for that.  My little pumpkin wumkin is still letting out a cry here and there, specifically at 4:10am when my alarm goes off, but if I’m patient for the whole 90 seconds it takes her to lie back down, she puts herself back to sleep.  We’re on a 7pm to 5:30am schedule on most days (today she was talking up a storm at 4am) but you know what?  I’ll take it!!  I won’t lie, on the weekends I wish she’d sleep a little later but I love that we’re out for our morning run while the rest of the world is still sleeping.  Not to mention that we have our entire toddler chasing day ahead of us!  I love her so much I could just eat her up and I do every chance I can!!

She’s not this little anymore but she’s still this cuddly! 

D Day

I originally wrote this on August 1st but it's taken a month to finally be able to post it. I'm still in denial but I'm trying to deal with it the best I can. 

Today is the first day of the rest of my life….I filed for divorce.  I filled out the paperwork, handed it to my attorney, and let the tears fall from my puffy eyes.  This is a decision that I’ve been contemplating since JC threatened divorce years ago and almost every day since.  I will never fully understand how things went so bad so quickly but I now understand what I need to do to be the best me.  This is possibly the most emotional day of my life and will pale in comparison to the day our divorce is granted.  We have a long road ahead of compromising and agreeing on the terms but the end is in sight.   This does not bring me pleasure, happiness, or relief.  All that I feel is anger, sadness, and I am utterly heartbroken.  But I know in my heart that this is the right decision for our family.   We are at a point of no return and this is the only way to leave with some dignity for the sake of ourselves and our children.  Our children, what a confusing statement. 

Is anyone out there?

I’m not sure who out there reads this since sadly I have no followers but today I started thinking and wondering what I want to get out of writing a blog.  For me it’s a place to write down my thoughts, feelings, and just things passing through my mind.  I’m going through a very rough time in my life right now and I think this will be therapeutic for me and may actually help someone else in a similar situation if they happen to come across my posts.  I have kept some very sad and life changing news to myself but I will be posting about it shortly.  In fact, I wrote the words back on Aug 1^st but I was too raw to share it with the world.  I’m not 100% sure if I’m ready now, but I think it’s time.   So I will put my big girl panties on open up about what's really going on in my life.  Well, maybe not yet this minute. 

Time Flies

My son started 8^th grade last week.  Do you know what that means?  He’ll be in high school next year.  HIGH SCHOOL!!!  My sweet little boy is definitely becoming an unruly teenager who has been doing very teenager like things of late.  I know all of us go through what seem like rites of passage and we all end up okay in the end.  What I need to understand is how to parent during these trying times.  Being kind and understanding doesn’t seem to work.  Screaming and threatening only gets a laugh in response.  How do I navigate the waters for the next 5 years while he grows into a man?  I’ve talked this over with many friends who have been there, done that and the only advice they all have in common….tell him you love him as much as you can and try to sneak in a hug and kiss when he’ll let you.  Every time I see him I want to take him in my arms, hold him, pepper him with kisses, tell him I love him and that everything will be okay.  But I don’t because his rejection hurts so bad.  So I’ll keep on truckin and try to find the right balance for the both of us. 

 

How is time moving this fast and why I can’t I stop the clock so I can hold on to this moment a little longer?  My kids are growing up so fast and I feel like if I blink, I’m going to miss something monumental.  I want them to stay little a little while longer.  Would someone please grant me that wish?

Time Consuming

I bought a couple online deals months ago for a picture book so I could make one of CC’s first year.  I have been putting it off, putting it off, and now the damn thing expires at the end of the month.  So for the last 3 days I have spent a total of 14 hours working non-stop on this book and guess what?  I’m just approaching Christmas!!  April still seems so far away.  On the flip side, I am getting more comfortable with each hour and my pages are getting cuter and more creative as I go.  I really never thought I’d have this much fun and I only wish I wasn’t in such a rush.  My hope is that I’ll LOVE the book when I receive it and then I’ll start working on next year’s (or is this year’s) book occasion by occasion rather than all at once under a deadline.  Carpel tunnel stay away!!! 

My Poor Baby Girl

CC has had a rough few days this week.  It started out with mean mommy leaving her to cry it out Monday night when she awoke rather than cuddling and rocking her back to sleep numerous times.  Then Tuesday she was sent home from daycare with a fever - 104…100…103….99…102…103…98…102 you get the picture of what our 2 ½ days were like.  CC is the cuddliest baby when she’s not feeling like her happy jolly self so as much as I felt bad for her, I also LOVED the fact that we got to spend a couple of days cuddled on the couch together.  She gave me tons of kisses and just let me hold her.  When her burst of energy would come barreling through, that mischievous grin was back and all hell would break loose.  But then she’d crash and climb back onto my lap for more snuggle time.  I hope she’ll always let me hold her like this!  This morning everything was back to normal so here’s hoping to a weekend of fun!

Edited to add update:

I got the dreaded phone call this afternoon that Caramia's fever was back.  So off to the doctor so my baby can pee in a bag, yes you read that correctly.  I have to nurse her and sit with her until she pees.  Then off to the hospital we go for the urine test because they think she has a urinary tract infect, which she does.  So ten days of meds and another afternoon of peeing is on our horizon.  Lucky us!

Boot Camp - Heaven or Hell

I started a boot camp class today and will be going for the next 30 days if my body can stand it.  I’m really trying to shock by body since I’ve been treating it so bad for the past year.  I’m a very active person but I haven’t been “working out” regularly.  I blame my constant state of exhaustion brought on by my mini-me.  I truly believe if I was getting more than 4 hours of sleep, I would be motivated to go to the gym.  So of course on the eve of my first 4:10am wake up call, C decides to get back on me for blaming her and stays up ALL night.  I slept for a measly 30 mins before my alarm.  Ask me at five how I’m feeling!  Alright, alright, enough complaining!! 

So the class starts and I’m breathless within 5 mins and the instructor comes over and tells me that people have been known to throw up and pass out so I need to be aware of my body and if I need a break.  Need a break?  I think it’s time to call it a day!  Did I really sign up for this extreme punishment?  45 mins (and lots of breaks later), I was walking out the door figuratively patting myself on my back since I can’t raise my arm up that high right now.  Next up, running during my lunch hour.  Hey, they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  I’m hoping for the latter! 

Love

How could someone you love and have loved for so many years turn on you?  How could you not know that they had this part of them?  This part that could be ruthless, gut wrenching, heartless, and just plain mean.  How could they claim to still love you yet they say the most hurtful things?  How could they say they love you but then steal from you?  I have all these questions running through my mind and I’m just wounded.  I have never felt this hurt in my entire life.  Will it get better?  I know it will but how long is it going to take and will I be even a silver of who I am right now?  Is this going to change me?  Yes.  Is this going to ruin me?  I honestly can’t say no.  I feel beaten up and defeated and all I want to do is get into the fetal position and cry.  Cry until I can’t cry any more and then just stare at the ceiling until my mind stops racing and my heart stops aching.  You may think I’m being dramatic and I would definitely think someone was if I were the one reading this.  But I’m not reading it, I’m writing it and I have never felt this pain and disappointment before. 

Family

A family is a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation.  If I feel in my hearts of hearts that someone is family, then no one has the right to say they aren’t.  All my life I have been introduced to “aunts,”  “uncles,” “cousins,” and tons of people on the side of the road that my parent’s have described as being related centuries ago.  Some of those people I’ve come to love for my own reasons based on our own relationship no matter how big or how small.  I know some wouldn’t consider them my family but I do and they are.  If I feel love for them and from them, they are my family. 

This weekend was spent with multi layers of family.  Friday evening CC and I attended the wake for my dear Auntie Anne who some would say wasn’t my aunt.  She was my dad’s aunt’s husband’s sister.  But not just that, my mom also knew her from the time she was 7 yrs old because they all lived in the same neighborhood.  See how confusing the actuality is?    You’d think we’d be so far removed that we wouldn’t know each other all that well but we did and we do.  I was one of the first people to walk into the wake and I was recognized instantly.  I even learned that my Auntie Anne just mentioned me three weeks ago.  She was one of those rare special people who made everyone around her feel special.  The type I hope to be one day! 

Then yesterday CC and I spent the day with our extended family.  It was my godson’s high school graduation and 18^th birthday party.  Definitely a day to celebrate and everyone came with their party hats on!  While I walked through the crowds and watched CC play with the other kids and toddle among the adults, I felt a wave of affection wash over me.  These are the people who will love her and watch her grow over the years.  We will spend holidays, birthdays, celebrations, and the teary eyed times together but they will love her for her just as they love me for me.  One of my goals in life is to surround CC with family of all types so she can feel the many layers of love!

Just as I was getting ready to post this, I happened across this quote on Pinterest and thought it was too fitting not to share! 

Going Down

I’m not feeling so hot these days and the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on is only going to get bumpier.  I have to remind myself each day to be thankful for those who support me, love me and just let me be me.  I never thought I’d be where I am but I will be the strongest of the strong and hold on to my daughter tightly until the queasiness subsides. 

Daily Lesson #1

Go for a walk - Today I drove over to Hidden Lake and walked the gravel path around the lake.  My pace was slow, my breaths deep, and my eyes closed as I titled my face to the sun.  It’s amazing how good some fresh air and sunshine will make you feel! 

Groggy

Another morning following another night of less sleep than anyone should ever have.  CC has never been a good sleeper.  Her first 7 weeks of life brought us about 3 hours a night of broken up sleep and very few naps lasting longer than 10 minutes.  Fast forward one year and we’re still working on her sleep training.  We’d have a couple weeks here and there when she’d sleep for 6-8 hour stretches at a time.  Then it would go back to being up every 2 hours and taking almost an hour to get her down each time.  The only positive is that she’s a happy baby even when she’s up all night.  She cries when she wakes but then cuddles right into your arms or wants to play in the dark.  The weekend of her 1^st birthday the boys were out of town so I let her cry when she went down and in the middle of the night so that she could learn to put herself to sleep.  It worked and she started sleeping more regularly.  Not through the night but in longer stretched and then when she did wake, she’d go back down in 20 minutes without fussing.  Oh how my body has gotten use to sleep again.  I forgot how good I could feel!  But the last two nights have been bad again and I’m not sure what to do or how to get over this new set back.  She’s going to bed with no problem at seven but waking at eleven thirty, wanting to play.  She’s been up until past two in the morning and then up for the day at her usual five.  I’m dragging and so is she.  I’m hoping this is all because of her molars breaking through or maybe a growth spurt and that it will pass soon.  It seems every time we start making progress and I’m feeling normal again, we revert to old habits.  Sleep, eating, working out, the same is true for all. 

Déjà vu

I tried writing a blog a few years ago and life got in the way.  (This Is My Life) Don’t you hate it when that happens?!?!  So here I am, ready to do this again.  I need this place to get my feelings and thoughts out of my head.  I’m not sure if anyone out there will be interested but I know this will help me to breathe a little easier each day.  I hope you enjoy the ride because my life is quite the roller coaster these days!